Art of setting boundaries taking control of one's life

Art of setting boundaries taking control of one's life Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves and others in relationships. These spoken and unspoken rules enable people to interact safely with regard to physical, emotional/mental, sexual, financial/material, and time-based behaviours. Like guideposts for healthy relationships, boundaries provide clarity, minimise confusion, and point us in the right direction so that we can behave in ways that promote safety and mutual understanding with others.

Communicating boundaries can be challenging. Sometimes setting a boundary means saying “no'' when someone wants us to say “yes.” It can mean bringing up something someone has done that didn’t feel good to us, which can generate shame and conflict. Yes, setting boundaries can leave the human on the other side of that boundary feeling angry, disappointed, confused, and frustrated. Many people feel guilty when they experience these reactions from others, and it can be difficult not to question ourselves when these conversations go poorly.


Here are some tips for establishing healthy boundaries:
Know your boundaries. Identify situations that leave you feeling drained or    uncomfortable. Are there boundaries that have not been communicated? Or perhaps boundaries that need to be re-asserted? While discomfort is not always an indication of boundary violations, poor boundaries are a common source of “energy leakage” and a sense of dread around commitments or encounters.

Prioritise and pick your battles. We can be flexible about our boundaries and you don’t need to tackle every single one right now. One option is to start with the boundary that is creating the most difficulty for you day-to-day. On the other hand, if you aren’t great at communicating boundaries, consider starting with something low-stakes (e.g., the battle with your partner to put away their laundry). When we aren’t practised with setting and communicating boundaries, the first attempts may be very clunky. Practising with a few lower-stakes issues can help you build skills to tackle the bigger issues down the road.

Communicate kindly by expressing your feelings and the specific behavior that is bothering you. Use statements like “I feel frustrated that I have to ask you to pick up your backpack off the floor multiple times every day after school. It’s important to me that this room stays clean and I don’t have time to clean it every evening. I need your help with that. What can we do so that I don’t have to monitor this all the time?” or “I’ve noticed that you are often late to meet me. I really don’t like it. I feel embarrassed sitting here by myself waiting. And it makes me wonder if I’m not that important to you. I’d appreciate it if you could text me if you’re running late and please make an effort to get here on time when we get together. I know it’s probably not easy to hear that— feel bad saying it—but I really want things to get better between us. Can you do that for me?” Take responsibility for your feelings and make your boundaries clear.

Hope for the best. Sometimes people will not like the feedback. After all, it’s only natural for some shame to arise when we are called out for a mistake. Be gentle, give people time, and hope for the best.

Practice forgiveness of self and others. Sometimes our words come out all wrong, causing harm. Sometimes we choose our words carefully and people still react badly to our boundaries. It can be easy to let our minds spiral into analysing who was right/who was wrong. Try not to make assumptions about what others think or feel. When possible, give them the benefit of the doubt. To facilitate this process, use lovingkindness or ho'oponopono meditations to actively practise forgiveness of self and others. This mindset offers great peace, even when we aren’t able to find common ground with others.


Conclusion
Setting boundaries is essential for healthy relationships and self-care. It involves recognizing your limits, communicating clearly, and practising patience and forgiveness. Though challenging, it empowers you and enhances mutual respect. Embrace boundary-setting to foster more fulfilling interactions and take control of your life with confidence and compassion.